My Hyperspecific Holiday Wish List!

Featuring various hard-to-find, incredible specific, exorbitantly priced items. You're welcome!

Holiday wish lists/gift guides are hands down my favorite genre of influencer content. I could lie and say that consuming content about consumption is a form of cultural anthropology, but it’s not that deep. I think I just really enjoy turning my brain off and watching TikToks of Christian influencers in Kentucky telling me what Stanley Cup charms and Ugg slippers they’re coveting. What can I say, I love voyeuristic consumerism!

One thing I’ve noticed in my hours of brainrotted gift guide doomscrolling is I’m seeing a lot of the same items over and over again. I thought it was time for me to combat that homogeny by making my own gift guide. One that’s highly specific to MY tastes and hobbies. A gift guide full of hard-to-find items, that most sane people would find unusable, if not insane. Because it’s my Substack and I can do what I want!

Artisanal Tinned Fish

This one is kind of obvious. It’s no secret that I’m a die hard tinned fish freak. I love it so much, I literally co-founded a tinned fish company. But for me, tinned fish isn’t a trendy food, it’s a way of life. I eat tinned fish at least once a day (yes, I have the diet of an octagenarian Jewish man), so I need a large variety of tin options stacked in my cupboard at all times. For those reasons and more, you better believe tinned fish has a prime spot on my wish list. Obviously Fishwife is a great option, and if you haven’t tried it - you should! But I’m gonna showcase some other artisanal tinned fish brands that I love and want to support as well!

Ekone Seafood

Ekone is a family-owned cannery operated by 5 generations (!) of Pacific Northwest shellfish farmers located in Washington. Everything I’ve tried from them is delicious. Since I’m a simp for anything smoked, I’m putting their smoked fish sampler on my list.

I could eat all four of these cans in one sitting

Drifters Smoked Salmon

I impulsively bought some smoked Alaskan Sockeye Salmon from this brand in a store in Seattle while filming SLCG S2, and it was the best thing I’ve ever eaten. Listen to this description: “Our fish is sustainably harvested onboard our small boat here in Alaska through the bright long days of June & July over in Prince William Sound, gently smoked over alder wood and hand packed into a reusable glass jar.” My mouth is seated! I also love that it comes in a tiny mason jar, there’s just something so chic about that! At 46 bucks for 2 jars, it’s too expensive to justify buying for myself, but I’d definitely put it on a gift list and make someone rich buy it for me. Their canned smoked salmon is cheaper but probably just as good.

Trust, this jarred salmon is one of the best things I have ever eaten

Jose Gourmet

Jose Gourmet is a classic tinned fish brand, no doubt you’ve seen it in many a shoppy shop. I feel like it’s been around for years, they were a cool tinned fish brand way before tinned fish became cool.

I recently tried their Smoked Small Sardines at a cute new tinned fish bar in LA and I loved them. A very clean smokey flavor, not dirty or bitter. I like that they’re small - a small sardine is chic, and way easier to eat without it falling apart. Perfect plain or on a cracker. If you like smoked fish like me, and are open to sardines (which you should be because they’re one of the healthiest foods you can eat!), you MUST try these. I’m also eyeing their Smoked Tinned Fish sampler, because how could you go wrong with a sampler of smoked and tinned fish?

The tiny smoked sardines of my dreams

Mala Cereal Candle

I know what you’re thinking. Really, Caroline?

But hear me out. This candle smells JUST LIKE FRUIT LOOPS. Which might not be everyone’s thing. And I’m sorry it isn’t some classy, elevated tonka myrrh amber candle or whatever. What even is myrrh? Who cares about myrrh! All I know is I adore this candle and I love that it smells just like fruity cereal. It’s nostalgic, delicious, weird, and a little bit trashy. Like me! Plus I love that it comes with a wood wick option. I love that crackle! Plus, Mala’s candles are made with a natural coconut-soy wax and phthalate-free fragrance and essential oils, if that’s your jam. The company also has a weird but intriguing collaboration with Barney (yes, the dinosaur) that I’m curious to try.

My body is writing this Substack post, but spiritually? I am here, in this photo

Hello Kitty Soccer Jersey

My inner 5 year old is GOOPED and GAGGED

I saw a cool girl wearing this Hello Kitty Real Madrid soccer jersey on IG and as tends to happen when I see a cool/hot girl post about something, I haven’t been able to get it out of my head since. No, I don’t care about soccer. But I do care about Hello Kitty. And soccer jerseys, as a fashion concept, are having a moment. The trend is already far past peaked, the Hadids and Hailey Bieber and Rihanna were wearing them back in 2023. But so help me, I’m a 34 year old woman who wants to wear a trendy pink soccer jersey a year after it was cool!

Vintage Vietri Campagna Ceramics

While you may have not heard of Vietri ceramics, you’ve certainly seen them around. Growing up, my chic grandma Miriam had a full set of dark blue Vietri Campagna dishes with chickens on them that she bought at a fancy LA department store in the early 80s. I inherited what remained of her collection and they bring me so much joy every day. They’re colorful, whimsical, and durable. Later in life, I was surprised to find that these fun dishes come in a HUGE range of colors and prints and animals, from chicken to fish to cows and beyond.

I’m now on a mission to collect as much vintage Vietri as I can - the original style is from a town called Vietri sul Mare on Italy’s Amalfi Coast, but they’ve been mass-produced since the 80s by a company called Vietri. Since I like to make things harder for myself, I’ve committed to building a collection of vintage Vietri ceramics. I’ve set eBay and FB marketplace alerts, and I’m particularly interested in sourcing the bigger sizes like platters and giant bowls for hosting dinner parties.

Like this gorgeous fish platter, currently available on eBay.

Or this tasteful shrimp plate, also on eBay. I want it all!

Coppola and Eiko on Bram Stroker’s Dracula

Before I tell you why this weird out-of-print book is on my holiday wish list, you need CONTEXT. FFC’s adaptation of Bram Stroker’s Dracula is a masterpiece. It’s sexy, sumptuous, campy, riveting, romantic and so much more. It has insanely amazing performances from peak-power Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins and a peak-hotness Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves. One of the best parts of the movie are the costumes, designed by Eiko Ishioka, an art director and graphic artist. Apparently Ishioka had never before seen a vampire movie and had limited costume design experience in feature films - which blows my mind because the costumes she designed are surreal and stunning and elaborate and bizarre. They really add so much to the movie.

Can you even DEAL?!

ANYWAY, this is all to say that when the movie first came out in 1992, a coffee table book was released that detailed the creative process behind the beautiful costumes they created. It’s a holy grail item for me, and it’s IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. Every copy that pops up on eBay is like $200 at a minimum and for whatever reason I haven’t been able to pull the trigger on buying it. So that’s why it’s a perfect item to add to my wish list!

Kroma 24k Chicken Bone Broth

I am a bone broth fanatic. Firstly, I worship it for its incredible health benefits (high protein! high collagen! gut healing!). But secondly, as a savory fanatic, I love that it’s a salty flavorful warming drink that’s also somehow a snack? During the winter months, I try to drink it at least once a day.

But bone broth is a motherfucking BITCH to make. I went through a phase where I sourced organic bones from a local butcher and lost entire weekends to the elaborate, multi-step process of making homemade bone broth - from roasting the bones to skimming the broth to cooking it in a crock pot for 36 hours until my entire apartment smelled like sweaty beef. I’m over it. I experimented with various pre-made bone broths, like the ones from Brodo and whatever was on the shelves at WF/TJ’s, but I found it sort of stupid to open a package and pour it in a mug and microwave it. Even that was too many steps for my lazy ass.

Enter, my solution. Kroma’s powdered 24k Chicken Bone Broth.

Firstly, using this is so easy. I literally mix a serving with hot water and I’m done. Bone broth in 15 seconds or less. It’s by far the best-tasting powdered bone broth I’ve ever tried - genuinely flavorful, the taste reminds me of Chicken Cup of Noodles. The macros are great, and the ingredients list seems pretty clean to me. At $49 it’s a bit pricey, which makes it the perfect thing to put on a gift list.

Smartwool Socks

Socks as a concept are boring, I get it. But in winter, my cold feet struggle is SO REAL. I need my ice-cold poor circulation suffering Jewish feet constantly swaddled in a warm sock or I am miserable. I used to think those thick, colorful, soft, fluffy socks from the checkout bins at TJ Maxx were the answer, but no. I was foolish. Stupid. Blind.

Sexy? No. Lifechangingly warm? Yes.

The answer I had been looking for was WOOL HIKING SOCKS. My crunchy/hiking ex introduced me to the magic of Smartwool socks, because apparently for outdoorsey types they’re a must for hiking in cold weather. I couldn’t BELIEVE how warm they were - and now instead of wearing them to hike in the snow I wear them to watch Sex and the City reruns on my couch. They’re not sexy. They’re not cute. They’re just warm, and once you experience them, you’ll never go back. I have three pairs on constant rotation on my feet at all times from the months of November-February.

This Elton John Versace Tour Shirt from 1992

I just really want this Gianni Versace-designed vintage Elton John tour shirt. Have had an alert on eBay for it for 5+ years but have never pulled the trigger.

A Vintage Murakami Cherry LV Bucket Bag

I NEED this vintage Murakami x LV cherry bucket bag. It’s fashion history! It’s practical! It’s whimsical! Just imagine me strolling into Trader Joe’s with this bad boy. Heads would TURN and jaws would DROP. Sadly, the price for this gorgeous bag usually hovers around $3k, so I shan’t be buying it in my current tax bracket.

**Note: I am indeed aware that LV is re-launching a 20th anniversary murakami collection next year. Allegedly, the revamped cherry collection is coming in summer, so I’m hoping the price for my dream bag drops. Because of supply and demand…economics…math… whatever, you get it.

California Toille Ice Bucket

Recently, I threw a party for the writers of SLCG to celebrate our season 3 premiere and to my horror, realized I didn’t yet have an ice bucket in my new kitchen. Putting sloppy, loose ice in a mixing bowl made me feel ashamed and unhostess-like. One of my new year’s resolutions will be to never get caught ice bucket-less again, which is why I’m putting this cute colorful ice bucket featuring a California-specific toille design on my wish list!

Non7 Non Alcoholic Wine

Even though I’m a drinker, I’m super into mocktail and non alc culture. I love having a festive little beverage with a meal, but at some point during the holidays, enough is enough and I simply have to take break from booze. There are so many great non alc bevvies out there, but this sparkling non alc wine is DELICIOUS. It’s some sort of stewed cherry and coffee concoction, and it’s light yet flavorful and a little spicy in all the right ways. The ingredient list makes my mouth water (SOUR CHERRIES! COLD BREW COFFEE! GARAM MASALA!) and it has 0 g of added sugar which we love. Such a great festive bev to have on hand for the holiday season, and it also makes a great hostess gift.

This Ozempic Ornament on Etsy

I just need it. For the culture.

This Diane Keaton Ornament

This Diane Keaton ornament is another must have for my tree. It barely looks like Diane Keaton which makes it even better.

This 5 Foot Tall Inflatable Jewish Dinosaur

While I am deeply Jewish, I love learning into the festivity of the holiday season. While I loveeeee decorating for the holidyas, I’m wracked with JewGuilt about putting up a xmas tree full of Ozempic and Diane Keaton ornaments. I feel like I should put something super Jewish in my front yard to remind my neighbors what I’m all about. I was passively online shopping for outdoor Hanukkah decorations, when I stumbled across this monstrosity:

A 5 foot tall Jewish dinosaur. Everything about this makes NO sense. As far as I know there’s no real thematic connection between dinosaurs and Judaism. It’s insane, garish, borderline offensive, hideous, and I feel like I might need to buy it and put him in my front yard.

This Spatula Designed by Kris Jenner

This spatula “designed” by Kris Jenner for William Sonoma is the perfect gift for anyone who worships at the altar of Kris. Plus the proceeds go to charity, so you don’t have to feel bad about kontributing to the Kardashian Industrial Komplex.

An Impractical Pigeon Clutch

Ever since JW Anderson launched these impractically whimsical pigeon clutches in 2022 I haven’t been able to get my mind off them. Sadly, at $900, it’s a no from me.

Here I am coveting the fabulous puffin version at the JW Anderson store in London.

Thankfully, JW PEI makes their own pigeon clutch that’s a gorgeous dupe for the absurdly expensive real version. It’s only $135 which in my sick brain is somehow a steal for a resin pigeon that definitely won’t fit my phone.

That’s it! What hyperspecific items are on your gift list this year? I want to know, tell me in the comments!

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